OH GOD.

That is all.

Here’s something most of you don’t know.

We’re humans too. With hopes, dreams, wishes, desires, and most of us DON’T LIKE TELLING YOU NO. And when we tell you no, and you yell at us, you are basically shooting the messenger, the messenger who has had to deliver the same bad news, over and over again, and listen to people have the same reaction over and over again. It gets disheartening. 

And you know what? When you call in, and yell at us, because you want that extra 3 cent discount, it’s not something we can “sneak in.” It’s not something “the boss won’t notice.” It’s not even “your right.” Guess what. When my boss says no refunds he means no refunds and no amount of whining and groaning and bitching will change the fact that I have to sit there and listen to you until you either a) hang up or b) demand to speak with a superior, who will more often than not give in just because you are that annoying.

But you know what? All that moaning and groaning does something: it makes us hate our jobs. 

And you. But we won’t say anything. Because we value our jobs.

And some of us? We really don’t want to hurt you. Because we’re sentimental idiots.

I’m down a pant size. I can wear 36’s with some comfort now. Too scared to try 34s.

And yet, I somehow I still look like a fat fuck.

—

Workout goal: Be able to wear wifebeaters and not look gross.

Also target weight: Between 180 and 215.

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Haha I’m so shallow.

…this entry is officially boring now because I just gave away the twist in the title.

Yeah, that’s right. I finally made it up here, a week late. BUT MY BRAKES ARE FIXED and they actually work. This is pleasing to Lord British (and me too).

Had vodka last night. Bad idea. I mean it’s not like I have a horrible hangover but I’m doing my best to not drink at all. Got a soft spot for screwdrivers, gah.

Guy who is into me (who shall hereafter be referred to as Quinn) called me last night at 2:30, right after he got off work. This is a little creepy. Shouldn’t he call his boyfriend first? Or maybe he did. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW HIM ALL THAT WELL.

The sad part is, I’m enough of an asshole that I’d probably do him and leave him. Or maybe not. I’m a hopeless romantic sometimes, but sometimes I’m like… just want sex and nothing else. It’s probably because he’s a bit of a queen >.>;;

Grr, Quinn. Stop calling me! I don’t want to deal with it!

This is gross so I’ve ROT13’d it.

Yngryl, V’ir orra ERNYYL ubeal. V ernyyl. ERNYYL jnag fbzrbar gb shpx zr.

—

Okay now that that’s out of my system (I might update Eric’s fake life later with something along those lines) let’s move on.

There’s a guy who seems to be really into me. I don’t want to act on it, partly because he’s in a relationship and partly because at this point I just don’t like him in that way. He’s overly affectionate (which sort of bothers me) and is, to be frank, kind of queeny. Queeny I can get over, but one of the reasons I broke up with Kaylee (besides the obvious) is that she was REALLY physically affectionate.

How do I know he’s into me? He called when I was at the gym. We started exchanging texts and he was fairly insistent on becoming gym buddies. Later, when I said my plans had died, he was fairly insistent on doing something tonight. And, of course, he said he thinks I’m cute and make him feel safe. Do not want (I think)!

I don’t deal incredibly well with physical affection. It’s nice, sometimes, but other times… it just feels wrong. Something about personal space issues, I suppose. It’s difficult for me to touch people (hugs are okay, sometimes) and I flip out mentally when someone touches me. Sharing a room sort of bothers me in certain situations. I don’t think I could ever have a literal roommate, unless I REALLY liked them, and was INCREDIBLY comfortable with them. 

Sharing a bed is even worse. 

When I was in scouts, we used to share tents. What happened?

—

Oh. I ran into Bruce today at Cold Stone. It was… a little awkward, but kind of cool. I want to go to another of his shows (his next one is tomorrow night D:) but that’ll have to wait. Grr. 

—

My hair. It is getting dyed next week. Thinking dark brown, nothing too crazy, though I’m sort of tempted to just bleach it and leave it like that. Funny thing about hair, it grows back. Messing with it is fun, and I’m feeling adventurous.

—

Exercising is going well. I think I can see a difference, but that might be me feeling good about myself (for once). Finally used to it, and I feel bad about the days when I miss the gym. WHEN DID I BECOME A GYM RAT? AAAGH (I am not a gym rat). 

Do I have a goal in mind? Not really. I want to lose the gut, and the face fat. I’d like to get a toned look, but I don’t think I’m getting that from 30 - 45 minutes on an elliptical machine. Don’t have the patience for weights. 

Yeah, I’m shallow.

Alejandro knows, and because he is cool with it I am pretty sure everyone else will be too, so it should be a FAR less awkward experience. It’ll still be weird, but WOO for catharsis. I just wish I wasn’t so chicken shit that I did it over SMS, but what’s done is done.

—

Fourth generation camaros are pretty awesome. Decided I want one. Thinking about buying a used one off of cragislist for my 22nd birthday and giving my brother the PT Cruiser, fixed up of course. Gonna cost a bit, but meh. Worth it?!

Oh yeah. Gym. I’ve lost a bunch of weight. Don’t know how much but it is visible. And I can feel it in my pants (they are looser, perverts).

Jayson is coming over tomorrow! MOVIES AND BAKING. On the menu? Pluck-it cake, methinks. Movie will probably be Clash of the Titans.

Nicole had her baby, Lourdes got MRSA. What a wonderful life.

For some reason, it’s difficult for me to be accountable to myself, but incredibly easy to be accountable to other people. I’ll work myself to the bone trying to fix someone else’s problem, and it’s probably because I just want to be distracted from my own. And sometimes that’s okay. But sometimes, it’s not.

That’s not to say there’s something wrong with helping people. Today on the train I took the extra thirty seconds to help an old guy find an address. Why? Not a clue. But I did it.

Still haven’t told Alejandro and co, but that’s the plan tonight.

I need to stop being attracted to assholes.

My brakes are shot. No car for Kevin. No Orlando for Kevin. Grr. Next weekend >:(

Alejandro and his friends managed to convince me to come with them, so I’m sitting in a hotel room in West Palm Beach. There’s a SHIT-TON of booze in the room, which could prove to be a Fun Time for them but I am not particularly interested in dealing with drunk people right now. 

I love these people to death but they’re starting to scare me just a little. They overuse the word “gay” a bit too much and repeatedly so I wonder if they would accept me if I really did come out. I don’t want to lose them but trying to keep it hidden is starting to bother me. Sitting in the car, listening to Lady GaGa, it was difficult to keep myself from signing/dancing/singing. 

This weekend is going to be interesting. Sharing a hotel room with people tends to make certain things obvious (hygiene, snoring, strange habits). Maybe I’ll get blackmail material? That’s a bad thing to hope for, but I’m an asshole. 

Oh well. Plans for the weekend? Tomorrow we’re going to Barrett-Jackson and I believe we’re going to Lion Country Safari on Sunday, and then coming home. Stupid work (no not stupid I am just mildly annoyed but grateful) called me yesterday and requested I come in on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Woo money, sad that I can’t leave Thursday evening for Orlando. Take the good with the bad, I suppose. Part of having a job.

Why is booze so important to 21-year-olds?

EDIT: Holy crap I just had THE BEST cannolis. 

You feel so different day to day and yet somehow remain the same person. Or even minute to minute. The extreme anxiousness of one minute seems years away when you consider the next, less anxious minute. 

Learning to deal with anxiety is difficult, but it can be done. It has to be done. It will be done.

Do anxiety journals help? This will not become mine. 

—

I did 33 minutes on an elliptical today and felt pretty good afterward. Burned 360 calories (yes this is a big deal). Making progress?

—

It needs to be done. I need to come out to my other group of friends. Grrr.

—

Somehow, my sleep schedule needs to normalize again. Gah why do I keep letting it die?

—

Tomorrow’s menu:

1. Tomato and mozzarella salad
2. Beef and beer stew
3. New York Style cheesecake

Yeah. I’m going there. I think. I had something else planned but I cannot remember what it is!

—

This song has been stuck in my head all day I am SUCH A HOMO OH GOD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_YR4dKArgo